ALERT: THIS REVIEW WILL HAVE ALL TYPES OF SWEARING (pff like you did not read the book), TPMS DEMONSTRATIONS, CHAIRS FLYING AND POSSIBLY THE AUTHOR OF THE REVIEW WILL END UP SUICIDING FOR READING SUCH A TERRIBLE BOOK.
A piece of advice: Do not buy it. I know you are curious about the book, but BORROW it.
So, a lot of people have asked me… pardon BEGGED me to write a “50 shades of grey” review. First I told them to fuck off, because I wanted to erase any recollection of reading this book! So I have my absinthe… and let’s begin!
The story: The story is, well… none? We have a series of parallel stuff at the beginning with Twilight. Anabela is a stupid 21-years-old girl (yes girl, because there is no way she’s a woman) and Chris Grey is a stalker. She interviews him and thinks that things went wrong, but when Grey calls her back she’s all excited. This is when it gets complicated… she lies, sets her eyes on him and she is immediately wet.
They start what is the most awkward relationship I have ever read. Do not get me wrong, I am a sucker for romance and BDSM, but this? Geez L. James, you have been smoking some weird shit!
Meet Anastacia! If you see her on the streets, kill her! Society will thank you!
And this is mr. Grey
(Oh mr. Grey I don’t think they can do it!)
“I thought you didn’t make love. I thought you fucked hard”. Oh Anastacia you were so right. So the sex scene where she loses her virginity is…
“You’re very beautiful, Anastasia Steele. I can’t wait to be inside you.” Holy shit. His words. He’s so seductive. He takes mybreath away.“Show me how you pleasure yourself.”What? I frown.“Don’t be coy, Ana, show me,” he whispers.I shake my head.“I don’t know what you mean.” My voice is hoarse. I hardly recognize it, laced with desire.“How do you make yourself come? I want to see.”I shake my head.“I don’t,” I mumble. – Eeeer you are 21 and you never masturbate? Tell me more about how incredibly innocent you are! Is she a nun? Grey are you fucking nuns now?“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.“Aargh!” I cry as I feel a weird pinching sensation deepinside me as he rips through my virginity. He stills,gazing down at me, his eyes bright with ecstatic triumph.His mouth is open slightly, and his breathing is harsh. Hegroans.“You’re so tight. You okay?”-
Of course she is not ok! -.-“ Seriously Grey you’re stupid! Seriously, what kind of man tells a woman he is going to fuck her? O_O Not even a blowjob! They go straight for sex… damn this guy sucks in bed, no matter what people say! He does not teach Ana how to make love or to explore his body. He brutalizes her and takes what is sacred. Also he talks a lot while sex “Oh you’re so soft, oh you smell so good.” But when she orgamss, he gets all bitchy “You are very responsive,” he breathes. “You’re going to have to learn to control that(…)” Fuck you, mr. Grey, if I want to scream, I can wake up all my neighbours and you will do nothing! Seriously he could have said “I want to eat your pussy” that would be nicer, but no, let’s use dirty words, because uhh we are naughty, naughty!
I also found it amazing how she is one second in horrible pain and then she is feeling pleasure… Also she has just lost her virginity and demands a second time bout of sex. Baby she should be sore! She should be in pain. There is no way she would ask for a second time. But ohhh wait we are talking about Grey, so yeah… he’s sooo amazing he has got to satisfy her one more time… At this point I am like “wtv get on with it so I can get my brain back!”
THE CONTRACT: I don’t even need to explore the contract, but what the hell, yeeey let’s do it just for fun! Inside I am like FML (Fuck my life), will this come to an end?
12 The Submissive will make herself available to the Dominant from Friday evenings through to Sunday afternoons each week during the Term at times to be specified by the Dominant (“the Allotted Times”). Further allocated time can be mutually agreed on an adhoc basis.
13 The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive’s rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above. 15.8 In case of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and when necessary ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant.
And you are all thinking “awww that is so cute, he is going to take care of her!” And then you read this!:
15.11 The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the Submissive at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times for any reason and for extended periods of time, giving due regard to the health and safety of the Submissive.
What the fuck did I miss? Also the next part is even MORE awesome.
15.19 The Submissive shall not touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from the Dominant.Pff right! See she is so funny! She actually thinks it is possible… Oh geez… This is so bad, I am laughing so hard!
15.20 The Submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant and shall do without hesitation or argument. – Ana, see that bridge? If you throw yourself off it, you will have the greatest orgasm ever! Just let her do it and end my suffering!
15.21 The Submissive shall accept whippings, floggings, spankings, caning, paddling or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, enquiry or complaint.
– so allow me to spank you and if you complain… uhm fuck you I am the boss?… People find this exciting? There is one thing called the safe word. If it is hurting too bad, you cry out that word… Apparently mrs. James has been reading the wrong BDSM books! She’s been reading everything wrong. Except for Twilight!
Here’s an image from Barbie to ruin your childhood!
15.22 The Submissive shall not look directly into the eyes of the Dominant except when specifically instructed to do so. The Submissive shall keep her eyes cast down and maintain a quiet and respectful bearing in the presence of the Dominant. – Like nuns! Except she is going to be raped… Uhhh bitch’s gonna get raped… I should care, I am a feminist! I care about women!
“Clothes:During the Term the Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant.”
Ana… she’s a plant! Or a flower! She’s pretty, she smells nice and her brain is inactive. So yeah Ana is a flower… how nice!
“He’s my master! To be dealt with as he pleases! Holy
shit.I shudder at the thought of being flogged or whipped. Spanking probably wouldn’t be so bad, humiliating though. And tied up? Well he did tie my hands together.That was… well it was hot, really hot, so perhaps that won’t be so bad. He won’t loan me to another Dominant – damn right he won’t. That would be totally unacceptable.Why am I even thinking about this?”
Honey who told you, you could think? Who has misled you in such cruel way?
Also “wow that is humiliating… hot though… but oh I am his sex toy now yey I am so excited…” No words … can describe…. how much this quote fails. So I am going to shut up and keep going!
“And I can’t touch him. Well, no surprise there. And these silly rules… No, no I can’t do this. I put my head in my hands. This is no way to have a relationship.”
I am sensing some disturbance in her brain! I think this is the only activity her brain has had since she was born…
“My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please,let’s do this… otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.”
BITCH, KILL YOUR FUCKING INNER GODDESS. I want her dead… I am glad I don’t have one of those.From now on, this is your new inner Goddess!
Geez talking about low self-esteem! Ok you’re a 21 virgin (were) and you think you are going to end up alone? If that would mean that I would have my freedom, bring on the cats, they are lovely company! Way better than MR. Grey….
See, even Sheldon approves cats!
Sheldon has had way more pussies than Grey!
Ok so enough with the contract let’s go to the steamy hot sex scenes… uhhh Watch and learn Redtube!
“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me. “Err… yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.
And then he’s inside me… ah! Skin against skin… moving slowly at first… easily, testing me, pushing me… oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony…”
I am laughing so hard, but so hard you have no idea! She’s bleeding, probably with TPM’s and he fucks her, he removed her tampon and he fucks her (there is no way, you can convince me they are making love) It’s funny, because it is ridiculous! How can anyone found this sex scene hot? One it is disgusting, trust me, when you are on your period everything is strong, the pain, the smell of blood, it is horrible. Also again he is amazing! The incredible mr. Grey is so perfect he could even penetrate her while she was dying, that, she would climax and find it wonderful. This is how ridiculous this goes. Oh the sweet agony! The agony is there, it just ain’t sweet anymore.
This is so bad, my only reaction is to laugh instead of crying.
You know what the worst part is? People actually admire Grey, due to his past. Because he was “victim” of an older woman and tormented, people actually find him innocent. To me, he is a stalker, a perverted and a manipulator. I have known guys who are sweet, caring, great people, and no girls look at them, because they are either shy or too fat. When I see people sighing for Grey, I would actually LOVE that one day they would find a guy just as manipulative and horrible as Grey, so they would know firsthand what it is like to live in a what-should-be-a-relationship-but-it-is-not. Women would go through a living hell. People keep telling me this is a work of fiction, but how many women actually suffer from domestic violence? Is “50 shade of grey” really that different? He arms her, he controls her life, he looks like a bully to me. Ladies, think twice, think that if you were Ana what would you do? Would you sign that contract and throw away your freedom? Even her friend does not approve Grey and says that he is a sick and twisted psycho, but what do we say to our beloved friends? Not today!
Actress Maise Williams playing Arya from Martin’s “Game of thrones” series. A good character written by a MAN.
Girls your Grey can be like this on the outside
but inside he is like this
Just how shallow is our society to mention that this is as a good book? What has happened to women such as Ursula Le Guin? Where is the legacy of Marion Zimmer Bradley? Angela Carter? Virginia Woolf?
Women have struggled for equality for three centuries and now some flower arrives and says “This guy is hot, so he can control my life?” Not a single time does mr Grey tell Ana that he loves her. She tells herself twice that she loves him (she won’t say it out loud, because she is afraid that she will suffer)… Today I think I told my boyfriend at least 6 times I loved him. He knows I love him more than anything and I also know I can speak my mind whenever I want to. I tell him “Honey you are hurting me.” And he stops and apologizes. Relationships are not perfect, we yell at each other, when I get horrible TPM’s I tell him not to touch me and confused he asks me “What can I do love to help you?” and I say “STOP BREATHING!” He laughs and cuddles me. Now I have to tell him that the best way is to remove my tampon and fuck me on the sink, because apparently that is what women enjoy! It is sad. It is sad that three centuries of struggle are sent to the gutter just because some woman has decided to “write” porn and people buy it. In Portugal we waited for decades to have a simple edition of Angela Carter’s novels! Merely months after 50 shades comes out, BAM, here it is, translated and published. You will not find books by one of the greatest writers of the 20th century, Anya Seton, you will not find her books in Portuguese, but you will find this crap everywhere you go.
And people read them, and people enjoy them, because their brains are dead. Society, our society, is brain dead. Our economy is fucked up, politics lie every day, we have violent protests in the streets and people find it safe to have fantasies with a sick perverted wealthy man? Ladies, it is no shame to be a feminist! I have heard so many times “Oh that is horrible, to be a feminist and something extremist”. I though this book was extreme in a way which completely violated all the rights of women.
People after reading “50 shades of Grey”
If it would be on the contrary where the girl would demand all of this, this review would be the same. Same lines, same critics opinion… I just pity people for being so shallow and enjoy appreciating a man just because he is hot and rich… For once I would love that people would read a book and actually put some thought think about it. Not just read and say “Oh I enjoy it, the sex scenes were nice.” What about everything else? For once think about what you are reading.
So now excuse me, as all my memories of such horrible piece of crap will be erased! Whenever you are ready, agent K!
All bad books will recieve from now on the Spiderman visit!